When an Elder Brother is not an Elder Brother
In Chinese, we use 兄 xiong or 哥 ge to refer to an elder brother. As a young kid growing up in relatively westernised Singapore, in a family of only boys, I accepted at face value the use of these terms to refer to an elder brother – my two younger siblings use the Min’nan pronunciation of 兄 hia to refer to me, and my mother has always been very proud that they did not use the “less respectful” 哥 gor. Interestingly, even though we speak mostly in English, my brothers will still use the Chinese honorific when they address me.
Then as I grew older, and got into the adult world (and especially after arriving here in China), I began to understand that 哥 can also be used as a term of endearment by a woman to refer to a man she likes or respects (sometimes “like” and “respect” are interchangeable, in Asian cultures). From my Korean students, I see that in action, and it was confirmed by the Korean dramas that I watched – Korean women will use the term 오빠 oppa to address a beloved man older than her.
I also understand some Malay, but have never heard the Malays use abang in the same way. Hence, it was very puzzling for me when a female Indonesian colleague (the Indonesian and Malay languages are close dialects of each other) insisted on calling me kakak (elder sister in Malay). I had to keep “correcting” her, telling her I should be abang, but she insisted Indonesians use kakak to generically refer to all elder siblings. And since my Malay is nowhere near anywhere better than basic, I had to accept what she said, albeit with question marks all over my head.
It was later, when I got to know a younger Indonesian man (parent of my student, who has since become a friend) who refers to me as abang, that the mystery was resolved. I asked him about the abang/kakak thing, and he laughed and told me that Indonesian women use the term abangto refer to an older man whom they like or respect, similar to how Korean women would use that term. I laughed with him as I realised suddenly why my unmarried Indonesian colleague absolutely refused to call me abang!
It is great to live in a multilingual world!
Then as I grew older, and got into the adult world (and especially after arriving here in China), I began to understand that 哥 can also be used as a term of endearment by a woman to refer to a man she likes or respects (sometimes “like” and “respect” are interchangeable, in Asian cultures). From my Korean students, I see that in action, and it was confirmed by the Korean dramas that I watched – Korean women will use the term 오빠 oppa to address a beloved man older than her.
I also understand some Malay, but have never heard the Malays use abang in the same way. Hence, it was very puzzling for me when a female Indonesian colleague (the Indonesian and Malay languages are close dialects of each other) insisted on calling me kakak (elder sister in Malay). I had to keep “correcting” her, telling her I should be abang, but she insisted Indonesians use kakak to generically refer to all elder siblings. And since my Malay is nowhere near anywhere better than basic, I had to accept what she said, albeit with question marks all over my head.
It was later, when I got to know a younger Indonesian man (parent of my student, who has since become a friend) who refers to me as abang, that the mystery was resolved. I asked him about the abang/kakak thing, and he laughed and told me that Indonesian women use the term abangto refer to an older man whom they like or respect, similar to how Korean women would use that term. I laughed with him as I realised suddenly why my unmarried Indonesian colleague absolutely refused to call me abang!
It is great to live in a multilingual world!
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